I'm Insecure

Yep, I said it and I guess I've gotten over the fear of admitting it. I am insecure.

I am currently reading So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore and am learning how chronic insecurity is in our society today.

And in my life.

A few months ago, I remember pondering how insecurity and the desire for the approval of others is so interwoven into my life. That particular day, I talked with Jared on the phone while he was at work and told him the enormity of my discovery. Poor guy. These are the things I told Jer, maybe you can relate:

I clean my house with the disapproving thoughts of others playing through my mind. What would they say if they saw that dust bunny on the floor? As if they even notice.

After almost every conversation with a friend, I go over what was said and wonder if I was nice or compassionate enough, too pushy or opinionated, if I listened good enough, asked enough questions about their life or if I just used the time to talk about myself. Usually I feel like I have failed.

I love interior design and am completely insecure that people will think I am bad at it. Many times a day, I think of my friends or even the people from HGTV and wonder what they would criticize if they saw my house. Yeah, the people on HGTV don't even know I exist and I don't think my friends are worried about how I decorate.

I am paranoid that people won't agree with my parenting style and will hold it against me. I know God has made each one of us different and that's OK, but when it comes down to it, I want everyone to agree with me so that I am regarded as a good mother by everyone. Not gonna happen and I need to be OK with that.

I always feel like people are misunderstanding me and like I have to prove to them that I am a good Christian, loving wife, wise person etc. Do other people really even notice how I fail as much as I do? Am I beating myself up over failure that's not really important or even there?

I am regularly comparing my looks to others', my husband to others', my faith to others', my possessions to others', my relationships to others'. The list never ends in the comparison game.

I am so afraid of people thinking I am a controlling wife. This is probably one of my biggest fears. Even right now, I want to list a million reasons why I think I'm not. I often wish people knew the "real me".

I obsess when I feel like I have done something wrong (even if I haven't) and can't help but have a huge desire to make amends. I can't stand it when people don't like me.

It seems like almost everything I do or say, relates to some sort of insecurity.

I am a very relational person and so a lot of my insecurities relate to my relationships. When I step back and look at myself, I know I am good with my relationships, yet, my failures eat me alive.

Based on my personality, would most people think I harbor all these insecurities? Maybe not, but I guess that's why I share these things. My insecurities may be different or more or less extreme than yours but insecurity is so prevalent with women today, that I know I'm not alone.

Anyway, I haven't gotten to the "so what" part of my book yet, but I can't wait to know what it's going to say. My insecurities haunt me and I am dying for freedom. For now, I wanted to share with you the beginnings of my journey. I believe God wants me to come to the end of being ravaged by insecurity. I know He can set me free from this.  And you too, just in case you happen to know where I'm coming from.

If this sort of thing resonates with you- we are planning on going to Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity simulcast April 24th.  See more details on the right side of the blog.  Please pray and consider joining us.

Rachel Sweerin

Flower Power

I really need some flowers in my life right now. I stand and look out my front window at a shoulder high pile of snow. Last summer in that very spot a flock of golden daylilies bloomed. It was amazing. There were so many flowers the color of sunshine that they glowed. Neighbors whom I rarely talked to would stop and tell me how beautiful my flowers were, how much they enjoyed them. On summer afternoons I would sit on my porch with a glass of iced tea and watch my kids play in the yard with my flowers to keep me company.

But today a five-feet high mound of snow covers my flowers. I cling to the hope that they are under there--somewhere. I pray that their roots are still alive in the cold earth. They're bidding their time, waiting. Waiting like me for the first warm day when you can smell spring in the breeze. Waiting, not dead, just dormant.

Sometimes in my spiritual life I feel cold and dormant. I struggle with sin or fear. Why can't I be different, more loving and less selfish. I really want to be the person God has created me to be--loving, joyful, patient, kind, but forty winters of snow has accumulated on my soul. Will some areas of my life ever be beautiful? 

Since birth, one of my children has always been much smaller than average. Finally a few years ago we decided to run some tests to make sure there wasn't a medical reason for his slow growth. The doctor's final verdict: "He's just a late bloomer." This sounded more like grandmotherly advice than a professional diagnosis. I wanted a nice neat solution. Isn't there a medicine that will fix this problem?   

What the doctor was essentially saying is that my son will grow when his body is ready. Everything his body needs is there. It's just not quite the right time for him. So maybe the diagnosis should have been "He's just a different bloomer." His body isn't following the path of everyone else's and that's perfectly fine.

I try to think this way about my own life. Some areas of my life bloom faster and easier than others. I think this is a gift from God. Other areas are slower in growing. Each little hurdle is a struggle. I have to realize that this is okay. I learn much in the struggle. I learn to depend upon God, rather than my own strength. When I fail, I experience God's grace and gain the courage to try again. Growth happens in small increments through trials. God brings friends into my life to encourage me not to give up. I'm not a late bloomer. I'm just a different bloomer.

Sometimes I stand at my front window, and as I gaze at that pile of snow, I give my flowers a little pep talk. "Hang in there. Spring is coming. You're going to be so beautiful! I can't wait to see you!" Then I'm reminded of the verses in Ephesians 3 where Paul prays "May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you'll never fully understand it. Then you'll be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God." 

If I want to bloom, I've got to keep my roots planted in the truth that God loves me with an everlasting, supernatural love. God's love keeps me cooperating with the Spirit as He prunes away the dead leaves and stems in my life. His love motivates me to keep striving to become the woman God created me to be. His love is what will ultimately cause me to burst into bloom, bringing joy to Him and beauty to those around me. 

I cling to this hope: the snow will melt and the flowers will return. 

Hang in there, friends. Spring's coming.

andrea

Welcome to BloomBlog

Hello, Ladies of Rechurch.

I'm typing this with sweaty palms. It's our very first post on our new BloomBlog. I'm hoping and praying that this blog will be a place to share encouragement, as well as struggles with you. The ladies' leadership team (Rachel Sweerin, Shirley Sterk, and Rona McMurphy) have all agreed to contribute to the blog. We're hoping to post at least once a week and maybe more. 

Our goal is to help each other to grow, to blossom, to bloom, so that we can all become the women God called us to be. We need each other to do this. We have to be real, because pretending and hiding keep us from flourishing. It's our prayer that this blog will encourage you that you aren't alone. We're in this together. 

Are you ready? Let's grow.

andrea