I'm Insecure

Yep, I said it and I guess I've gotten over the fear of admitting it. I am insecure.

I am currently reading So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore and am learning how chronic insecurity is in our society today.

And in my life.

A few months ago, I remember pondering how insecurity and the desire for the approval of others is so interwoven into my life. That particular day, I talked with Jared on the phone while he was at work and told him the enormity of my discovery. Poor guy. These are the things I told Jer, maybe you can relate:

I clean my house with the disapproving thoughts of others playing through my mind. What would they say if they saw that dust bunny on the floor? As if they even notice.

After almost every conversation with a friend, I go over what was said and wonder if I was nice or compassionate enough, too pushy or opinionated, if I listened good enough, asked enough questions about their life or if I just used the time to talk about myself. Usually I feel like I have failed.

I love interior design and am completely insecure that people will think I am bad at it. Many times a day, I think of my friends or even the people from HGTV and wonder what they would criticize if they saw my house. Yeah, the people on HGTV don't even know I exist and I don't think my friends are worried about how I decorate.

I am paranoid that people won't agree with my parenting style and will hold it against me. I know God has made each one of us different and that's OK, but when it comes down to it, I want everyone to agree with me so that I am regarded as a good mother by everyone. Not gonna happen and I need to be OK with that.

I always feel like people are misunderstanding me and like I have to prove to them that I am a good Christian, loving wife, wise person etc. Do other people really even notice how I fail as much as I do? Am I beating myself up over failure that's not really important or even there?

I am regularly comparing my looks to others', my husband to others', my faith to others', my possessions to others', my relationships to others'. The list never ends in the comparison game.

I am so afraid of people thinking I am a controlling wife. This is probably one of my biggest fears. Even right now, I want to list a million reasons why I think I'm not. I often wish people knew the "real me".

I obsess when I feel like I have done something wrong (even if I haven't) and can't help but have a huge desire to make amends. I can't stand it when people don't like me.

It seems like almost everything I do or say, relates to some sort of insecurity.

I am a very relational person and so a lot of my insecurities relate to my relationships. When I step back and look at myself, I know I am good with my relationships, yet, my failures eat me alive.

Based on my personality, would most people think I harbor all these insecurities? Maybe not, but I guess that's why I share these things. My insecurities may be different or more or less extreme than yours but insecurity is so prevalent with women today, that I know I'm not alone.

Anyway, I haven't gotten to the "so what" part of my book yet, but I can't wait to know what it's going to say. My insecurities haunt me and I am dying for freedom. For now, I wanted to share with you the beginnings of my journey. I believe God wants me to come to the end of being ravaged by insecurity. I know He can set me free from this.  And you too, just in case you happen to know where I'm coming from.

If this sort of thing resonates with you- we are planning on going to Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity simulcast April 24th.  See more details on the right side of the blog.  Please pray and consider joining us.

Rachel Sweerin