What Is Your Hook?

   I have been procrastinating this task long enough. Why? This is my first blog so I am a little nervous but I don't think that's it.  I used to write "stuff" but never really knew what to call it; my thoughts I guess,  it  just wasn't called blogging ten years ago. So anyway, here I sit; waiting, hoping and trusting the thoughts will come as they used to.
  
    I think the reason I have been putting off this task is because I couldn't decide what I was going to write about.  This has always been a stuggle for me.....making decisions....even litttle ones. This past week there was a situation in which God showed me something rather significant about this struggle of mine. It's as if he gave me an outside perspective or let me see an  instant replay of what I had just done.

    There were some small decisions to be made within a group. I  took control by telling the others, in a not so obvious way I hope, what they should do.  So now, the decision I had to make for mysef, was made by default, right? I had no choice but to do what was left.  In another scenario I might have said, "you decide, I really don't care."   Whatever the scenario, I put off decisions or procrastinate becasuse I fear others may be disappointed in my choice or my failure.

    After seeing the instant replay of what took place I remember thinking, " I can't believe I just did that!" It seemed so out of character for me, or was it?  Through this silly and seeminly insignificant situation the Holy Spirit convicted me of what my indecisiveness really is; selfishness and control, rooted in pride and fear.

    How does this effect my life as a whole? It's as if I choose to sit in the passenger seat and put others in the drivers seat. It's the safe seat  for me. It's the way I keep myself safe from the affects of disappointing myself and others. It's one of the hooks Satan  uses to hold me back.

    You see, when I was growing up, life experiences taught me to believe this lie; when you disappoint someone, they stop loving you.  Those experiences were hurtful, the kind of hurt I did't want to keep feeling.  As I grew, the lie grew more powerful.  For protection, I started to build a wall around my heart.  With every added painful experience, I would reinforce the wall, making it a little bit safer and stronger.  This false perception of my experiences, led to my distorted thinking and the distorted thinking influenced my behavior.  After time, the repeated behavior became a habit; something done often, even mindlessly after many years.

     I wonder how many opportunities I missed because of this nasty hook of the enemy. How much of life have I missed by living in fear of diappointing myself and others. I want to break this bad habit of retreating to the passenger seat.  I want to live my life with more intention, making the  moments of my day count for Him. I want to get in the drivers seat.

     It's not easy to take a close look at ourselves. It's not easy to break a bad habit.  My thinking must change to make way for new behaviors. The truth must replace the lie and  the truth will set me free.  The Holy Spirit is doing a good  work in me and I will be in a better place through this process.  I love the verse that says God will never give up on me; the work He has started in me will be completed.  He's got me in His hands I know that for sure.  I can feel  his hands around me as He  whittles away at that wall around my heart. 

     The process is hard but it is far better when there is less of me and more of Him.

shirley
   
     

Random thoughts at 4 AM

It's early. Too early. But I can't sleep.

Waking from strange dreams I am overcome by random worries and fears.


Did I put the garage door down last night? Am I doing a good enough job at work? Will God really provide for all our needs? What if my ideas of needs are different from God's idea of needs?

The questions come in the early hours. Satan catches me unaware. So I get up and come downstairs to make coffee. And reflect as I'm typing

It's been a few weeks since I've posted something. They've been busy weeks filled with kids' activities and a few days away with Jason. The days have been a blur. I've been in perpetual motion, a moving target. Instead of dealing with emotions, I've been stuffing them and forging ahead.

Then at 4 am they catch up with me.

Why can't things be easy? Why must relationships change? How can two people see things so differently?

During the day I can distract myself with tasks. If I can't order my thoughts, at least I can wash clothes or clean the shower. I attack the soap scum with a vengeance. I am queen of the laundry.

But at night, my mind is vulnerable and Satan knows it.

So I get up. Throw on my slippers and robe. Make some coffee and sit in my chair.

Fingers curled around the steaming mug, I breathe in and out slowly.

My husband and I once attended a service at a Jewish synagogue, and the rabbi reminded us that every time we breath, we speak the Hebrew name of God. Yahweh. I whisper God's name as I slowly take a breath in. Yah. Then out. Weh. Yah—weh. Yah—weh. He's as close as the breath I breathe. He lives inside of me through the power of the Holy Spirit. I know He's here, present with me.

The questions fade in the face of truth.

I have loved you with an everlasting love. I have drawn you with loving-kindness.


The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. And saves those who are crushed in Spirit.


I sought the Lord and he heard me; He delivered me from all my fears.


God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."


The night sky is giving way to dawn. I choose once again to put my trust in God. God, continue to give me the faith to believe. Yah–weh. Yah-weh. You are here with me.

andrea stark

Jumping off the Multitasking Merry-Go-Round

As I'm typing this, I'm trying to get my kids in bed, folding a load of laundry, and thinking about what I have to do tomorrow. . .and oh, yes, . . . shopping for a new spring coat at target.com. (Thank goodness for tabbed browsing!)


Yes, I'm a multitasker. I find it difficult to limit myself to doing one thing at a time. I'm addicted to the challenge of trying of eat breakfast, pack my kids' lunches, put on my makeup, and read the paper all at the same time. I find myself getting angry if I'm forced to only do one thing, like when I have to wait in line at the grocery store. I'm desperate for something to do. I start getting jittery. I look at the magazines. I catch up on the latest celebrity gossip. Are Brad and Angelina on or off this week? I organize the chapstick in my purse. I reorganize the groceries in my cart according to size, then type of packaging, then according to if their frozen, refrigerated, or canned.


(Okay, now I'm also checking movie times for this weekend. . .I'm telling you, the guy who invented tabbed browsing should be given the Nobel Peace Prize.)


Where was I? Oh, yeah. . .multi-tasking. . .I can't even watch television without folding the laundry or checking my e-mail. Doing one thing at a time just seems so unproductive. And it's all about getting things done, isn't it?


Lately my kids have been saying things like "Mom, you don't listen to me." Usually it's after I've asked them for the third time what they want for lunch. They told me the first time I asked, but somehow I can't remember what they said. I thought I heard someone talking, but their voice sounded like a fly buzzing in the Grand Canyon of my brain. I was thinking about the groceries I need to buy or the bills I have to pay. Somehow in all the things I had to do, listening to my child ended up low on the priority list.


Then my husband starts talking about the importance of living in the here and now. He's throwing around phrases like "be present in the current moment." Then there was something about "becoming like little children in order to see the kingdom of God." I guess children don't fret about the past or make plans for the future. They just focus on today, right now.


All these things have caused me to start thinking (as I fold, type, and shop online) maybe I'm missing something by trying to do too many things at once. Maybe I should just stop, sit down next to my daughter, look her in the eyes, and listen to her. Just listen and nothing else.


Maybe I'm missing something important by multi-tasking my life away, by never fully giving myself to one thing. Perhaps I'm not really living life the way God intended. My mind goes back to the old Mary and Martha story from Sunday School. Martha was my kind of girl—a born multitasker. I can just see Martha in all her flannelgraph glory, stirring her bowl and wearing a scowl on her paper face. But Mary is sitting cross-legged at Jesus' feet, smiling up at him. He was there, in her house and she wasn't going to miss a minute of time with her Savior.


I think I could learn something from Mary because I have to confess that I'm even guilty of multitasking when I'm trying to read my Bible, or praying, or just trying be quiet and rest in the presence of God. For some reason doing these things just doesn't feel as productive as serving at church or making a meal for someone who's sick. 


It hurts when my children tell me that I'm not listening to them. I've decided to be more aware of what I'm doing when they are talking. As much as possible, I want to stop and give them my full attention, to reign in my crazy brain so that I can be fully present, savoring the moment. 


It hurts to think about Jesus telling me that I'm not listening to him. Am I scared of what he might say if I really was quiet and tried to listen to him? What if I'm missing some of the best moments of my life by not savoring time with Him?


Okay, I'm closing the tabs. The laundry can wait until tomorrow. It's been on my bedroom floor for two days now. One more day of wrinkles isn't the end of the world. 


Wow, it feels kind of good to focus on just one thing.


"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."




andrea stark