It's early. Too early. But I can't sleep.
Waking from strange dreams I am overcome by random worries and fears.
Did I put the garage door down last night? Am I doing a good enough job at work? Will God really provide for all our needs? What if my ideas of needs are different from God's idea of needs?
The questions come in the early hours. Satan catches me unaware. So I get up and come downstairs to make coffee. And reflect as I'm typing
It's been a few weeks since I've posted something. They've been busy weeks filled with kids' activities and a few days away with Jason. The days have been a blur. I've been in perpetual motion, a moving target. Instead of dealing with emotions, I've been stuffing them and forging ahead.
Then at 4 am they catch up with me.
Why can't things be easy? Why must relationships change? How can two people see things so differently?
During the day I can distract myself with tasks. If I can't order my thoughts, at least I can wash clothes or clean the shower. I attack the soap scum with a vengeance. I am queen of the laundry.
But at night, my mind is vulnerable and Satan knows it.
So I get up. Throw on my slippers and robe. Make some coffee and sit in my chair.
Fingers curled around the steaming mug, I breathe in and out slowly.
My husband and I once attended a service at a Jewish synagogue, and the rabbi reminded us that every time we breath, we speak the Hebrew name of God. Yahweh. I whisper God's name as I slowly take a breath in. Yah. Then out. Weh. Yah—weh. Yah—weh. He's as close as the breath I breathe. He lives inside of me through the power of the Holy Spirit. I know He's here, present with me.
The questions fade in the face of truth.
I have loved you with an everlasting love. I have drawn you with loving-kindness.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. And saves those who are crushed in Spirit.
I sought the Lord and he heard me; He delivered me from all my fears.
God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
The night sky is giving way to dawn. I choose once again to put my trust in God. God, continue to give me the faith to believe. Yah–weh. Yah-weh. You are here with me.
andrea stark
I remember years ago when I suffered from terrible nightmares. It's a problem I dealt with from the time I was very young. One night, or early morning, I couldn't sleep. I went to my Bible in search of an answer of how to find rest. God directed me to Psalm 62. the first part of the verse says, "My soul finds rest in God alone." I realized that it wasn't just my mind or body that was suffering. It was my soul. Ever since that night, I haven't had hardly any problems with nightmares. I pray that I will find my rest in God and nothing else. I worry in the night, like most do, and I go to this verse. It amazes me, the peace that God's words can give us. Thank you so much for sharing, Andrea. I think sometimes we feel so alone in our suffering, whatever it might be. It's comforting to know that we aren't alone. Love you, Sis!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your encouragement, Angie. Love you too!
ReplyDeleteandrea