What Is Your Hook?

   I have been procrastinating this task long enough. Why? This is my first blog so I am a little nervous but I don't think that's it.  I used to write "stuff" but never really knew what to call it; my thoughts I guess,  it  just wasn't called blogging ten years ago. So anyway, here I sit; waiting, hoping and trusting the thoughts will come as they used to.
  
    I think the reason I have been putting off this task is because I couldn't decide what I was going to write about.  This has always been a stuggle for me.....making decisions....even litttle ones. This past week there was a situation in which God showed me something rather significant about this struggle of mine. It's as if he gave me an outside perspective or let me see an  instant replay of what I had just done.

    There were some small decisions to be made within a group. I  took control by telling the others, in a not so obvious way I hope, what they should do.  So now, the decision I had to make for mysef, was made by default, right? I had no choice but to do what was left.  In another scenario I might have said, "you decide, I really don't care."   Whatever the scenario, I put off decisions or procrastinate becasuse I fear others may be disappointed in my choice or my failure.

    After seeing the instant replay of what took place I remember thinking, " I can't believe I just did that!" It seemed so out of character for me, or was it?  Through this silly and seeminly insignificant situation the Holy Spirit convicted me of what my indecisiveness really is; selfishness and control, rooted in pride and fear.

    How does this effect my life as a whole? It's as if I choose to sit in the passenger seat and put others in the drivers seat. It's the safe seat  for me. It's the way I keep myself safe from the affects of disappointing myself and others. It's one of the hooks Satan  uses to hold me back.

    You see, when I was growing up, life experiences taught me to believe this lie; when you disappoint someone, they stop loving you.  Those experiences were hurtful, the kind of hurt I did't want to keep feeling.  As I grew, the lie grew more powerful.  For protection, I started to build a wall around my heart.  With every added painful experience, I would reinforce the wall, making it a little bit safer and stronger.  This false perception of my experiences, led to my distorted thinking and the distorted thinking influenced my behavior.  After time, the repeated behavior became a habit; something done often, even mindlessly after many years.

     I wonder how many opportunities I missed because of this nasty hook of the enemy. How much of life have I missed by living in fear of diappointing myself and others. I want to break this bad habit of retreating to the passenger seat.  I want to live my life with more intention, making the  moments of my day count for Him. I want to get in the drivers seat.

     It's not easy to take a close look at ourselves. It's not easy to break a bad habit.  My thinking must change to make way for new behaviors. The truth must replace the lie and  the truth will set me free.  The Holy Spirit is doing a good  work in me and I will be in a better place through this process.  I love the verse that says God will never give up on me; the work He has started in me will be completed.  He's got me in His hands I know that for sure.  I can feel  his hands around me as He  whittles away at that wall around my heart. 

     The process is hard but it is far better when there is less of me and more of Him.

shirley