I could use the old "I'm busy" excuse. I could list all of the stuff I have to juggle—work, family, church, house. . . on an on it goes. (Are you asleep yet?) I know you can relate.
But the truth of the matter is that I don't blog more because I am a perfectionist.
If you only knew how I agonize over every word of everything I write. First I go back and forth about the topic. Is this relevant? Can I really speak to these ideas? Will it have any impact on the readers? Then I fret about the writing itself. I read and reread each post, trying to make it better. When it's finally "done," I sit with my finger poised over the publish button. Should I or shouldn't I? Is it really good enough? Are there any grammar mistakes? (Oh, the life of an editor!) ARRRRGGGGH!
I know what the real problem is. I'm addicted to having to be perfect. I've struggled with perfectionism for years, and I know I'm not the only one. Most women today feel the pressure to be perfect in some area of their lives—to have the perfect home, the perfect children, the perfect appearance, the perfect marriage. It's insane the lengths we go to create the illusion that our lives are straight out of Martha Stewart Living (or Focus on the Family.)
When my illusion of the perfect life starts to crack, I resort to all kinds of tricks to get things back together. I yell. I manipulate. I bribe. It's not pretty. I end up hurting the people I love the most.
What about in the Bible, aren't we commanded to be perfect? "Be perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect." (Matthew 5:48) I did a little study of the word "perfect" and I found out that it doesn't have anything to do with being flawless or without sin. Instead it means to be mature or complete. Many verses that discuss perfection explain the type of attitude a mature person.
A mature person . . .
- loves her enemies
- endures hardship
- knows that she is being made mature through Christ's sacrifice on the cross
- is not ruled by fear
- is more mature when she is weak than when she is strong (because then she has to depend upon God.)
That last one really gets me to thinking. My addiction to perfection is really a desire to play God. It's totally up to me to craft my little flawless world. Perfectionism is really selfishness. My kids need to be well-behaved and perfectly dressed. No one can ever have a bad attitude. Discipline is more about controlling behavior than training in love.
I think it's also related to my desire to please people. If everything looks good in my life, people will praise me. But I think perfectionism pushes people away. Who wants to be a friend with someone who has no problems? Her perfect life only highlights the problems in my only life. And what happens when I can't live up to her standards?
What if I focused on the biblical idea of being mature instead of being perfect? What would that look like? Maturity realizes that sometimes it's sometimes more important to spend time with my husband than clean my house. Maturity allows children to make mistakes. Maybe I'd realize that kids will sometimes have bad attitudes and I could see it as an opportunity to train kids instead of as an affront to my authority. Maturity knows when something is a big deal and when something really doesn't matter. Maturity offers grace to people instead of condemnation.
So I'm going to take a step toward freedom from perfectionism and stop writing right now. I know this blog isn't perfect. There are probably spelling mistakes and phrases that don't make sense. It could be much clearer and more effective. I could rewrite it until I think it's perfect, but I'm not going to. It's not perfect and that's okay.
I'm hitting publish . . .
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